Dementia Days

Sigrun is happy.

For years now, I have explored a multitude of avenues to increase the joy in my mother’s life. In the earlier days, we went shopping – always a winner – we went out to meals, we redecorated her apartment, I have taken her to all the various doctors who would make her feel better. Then, in the later stages, we would sit and chat more, laugh at our bodily functions, I would smile at her to get her to smile back.

And always the underlying discontent, sadness, and disappointment with a life handicapped by Alzheimer Disease would come to the surface again. It was never very far, simmering below the surface, covered up by both my mother and me in a tacit agreement not to dwell on something neither of us could change.

Then, in the last few weeks, my mother has taken a turn – maybe for the worse within the disease, but certainly for the better within her disposition. No, disposition is the wrong word. It is too shallow. Her change goes much deeper. It seems that Sigrun, my mother, has let go of all that discontent, all the worries of life with or without Alzheimer’s, and down to her core, has decided to be happy.

What I do or don’t do doesn’t matter as much anymore (and probably hasn’t mattered nearly as much as I often led myself to believe). My mother is independently, deeply, pervasively happy.

I am not sure whether this is a phase within Alzheimer’s, a step towards the inevitable end, or a unique moment in time for Sigrun. And it really isn’t all that important to define it. As if to inspire me to stop worrying, Sigrun’s happiness is a gift to both her and me.

As a mother, I am tempted to draw many parallels between my own mother’s mental (and physical) decline, and my two toddlers’ burgeoning intellect, their emotional development, and their growing independence. So with this new found treasure of joy in Sigrun’s life, I am considering my toddlers’ complaints, whines, and worries. Somehow, my mother found the strength (or a loophole in the terrible contract of the disease?)  to let go of that dependence on others for ones own emotions. And that forced me to reevaluate my necessity as “joy bringer” in her life and in my children’s lives.

My husband has hinted at this for many years, and sweet as he is, has never given up nudging me in the right direction. But we all know, it sometimes takes an unpredictable, unique event to break us out of our routines and habits. And so, I feel energized to inspire my children to become more self-reliant, to learn to see themselves as the person in control of their emotions. (And, trust me, I know they are still little – 2.5 and 4.5 years now. I also know, that much of their whining isn’t due to their inability to figure out their problems. Much rather it is due to the fact that their mother has been hovering and waiting to solve any issue that arises – partly in a misguided desire to help them, partly for the satisfaction it brings to be able to solve somebody else’s problems.)

And, as my mother has learned in her 70s and in the midst of Alzheimer’s, I, too, need to wonder how much I still look to other people to determine my emotional state. As a wife, mother, daughter, sister, contractor, part-time student, I sometimes have a hard time finding Alana – that’s me – unencumbered by any role, and thus treat myself well enough to find my happiness within myself.

How often do we let somebody else ruin our day with some inconsiderate deed? The person who steals our parking spot; the stressed customer service consultant who blames you for whatever issue you called them about; the tired spouse who didn’t choose his words carefully enough to explain one of his needs. Most of the time none of these people intentionally mean to hurt you. And given a rational response, they are willing to re-approach the situation.

So, with the gift of Sigrun’s happiness, my new determination to be strong (and not just helpful) for my children, and a resolution to be good to myself (and thus to the people around me), I declare this year (and hopefully many to come) my year of happiness. (Anybody who wants to participate is cordially invited .